I had two conversations recently that got me thinking a lot about expectations and the importance of being a good example.
Both conversations were about Mother's Day.
Both were women who were disappointed in how their children had treated them - or not treated them on Mother's Day. Their kids had "forgotten" about Mother's Day, or treated it casually and quite thoughtlessly.
I felt bad for both of them. One of them pointed out how she does everything for her kids; is always there for them, running around, doing everything...the nerve of them to not even acknowledge the day.
So I shared with her my favorite excerpt from the book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua. Now, I know this was a very controversial book. However, there was one particular section in it that changed me forever. I talked about the book more here, but I'll recap for you what I had written back then:
The Birthday card story: I loved this story and shared it with my kids because I think her point is extremely valuable. Her husband makes dinner reservations at some mediocre restaurant for her birthday (because he had left it too late to get into a really good restaurant) and her daughters give her some lame, half hearted, thrown together, handmade birthday card. Now many mothers would praise anything their kids give them, and shower them with gratitude for the card. But instead she says:
"I don't want this, I want a better one - one that you've put some thought and effort into. I have a special box, where I keep all my cards from you and this one can't go in there"...." What if I gave you this for your birthday - would you like that? But I never would do that. No - I get you magicians and giant slides that cost me hundreds of dollars. I get you huge icecream cakes shaped like penguins, and I spend half my salary on stupid sticker and eraser party favours that everyone throws away. I work so hard to give you good birthdays! I deserve better than this. So I reject this."
Wow. Hard core. But think about it...is it not true?? Why do we as mother's lower our expectations and allow our kids (or other people for that matter) to treat us like that? Do we not deserve better? Do our children not need to learn how to treat us - which in turn influences how they treat their future spouses? Whenever I think I am being hard on my kids, I ask myself, do I really want them to accept the lowest common denominator? Or should I not teach them to expect more as they deserve more? I am trying to teach them their value - their infinite worth - so why should I undervalue my own?
I shared the story with my kids, so from now on I expect incredible birthdays....
She goes on to say "It's too idealistic to expect children to do the right thing on their own". They need to be taught the proper way of doing things -and sometimes that means letting them know (maybe not so harshly though?? Although sometimes that seems to be the only way to be taken seriously?!). We teach people how to treat us - so if we want to be treated well, we need to demand that. Of course, I think we can make a much better point by not acting so poorly in demanding that respect. But the main point is valuable I think.
So, when I heard the story of how disappointed these Moms were with Mother's Day, this section of the book came to mind. And I still stand behind the fact that reading it was life changing for me.
I am pretty hard on my kids when it comes to special occasions: I have set the expectations for each occasion - and for each person. "Yes, you do need to do something for your brother's birthday. I don't care if you are not with us for her birthday, you still do something. No, you need to acknowledge both your Dad's birthday and Father's Day even though they sometimes fall on the same day."
And you know what? My kids have lived up to those expectations.
Do they need reminding? Yes.
Do they sometimes need help? Yes.
Do they disappoint at times? Yes.
But they DO something. They know they are not expected to go out and buy something, or spends tons of money. But whatever they do HAS to take effort and it HAS to take thought. A card thrown together at the last minute doesn't cut it.
However, to live up to those expectations, they need something else.
EXAMPLE.
They need to see both Rob and I doing it for each other, and also doing it for those who mean something to us.
They are not witness to lavish gifts, or grand gesture (although occasionally they do see some pretty sweet gifts:). But they do see handmade cards, poems, CDs, photos, sketches. They do see telephone calls, emails, and texts. They do see special meals, cakes, chocolates, flowers, and outings to celebrate. They see real effort and thoughtfulness.
I'm hoping that high expectations, combined with example, will help shape my kids into thoughtful, considerate human beings, who will one day make very good partners (and attract very good partners:)
I'm hoping that they learn the infinite worth of each individual and that they expect to be treated with that same respect. We teach people how to treat us. And how they treat us can often be a reflection of how they feel we treat them.
(and yes, I know there is controversy surrounding setting expectations... don't get me started on that. My experience so far is that low expectations brings low results; the opposite holds true too:) Aim high.
Tabs
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Quote of the Week
I know this is sort of along the same line as last week's quote, but it complemented my genius quote from last week, that I had to share - as sort of a part two:
"Don't ever mistake
my SILENCE for ignorance
my CALMNESS for acceptance
or my KINDNESS for weakness"
Seriously good, right?
I actually especially like the kindness one.
Isn't that the truth though? Sometimes the ones who put others first, put their family first, make choices that sometimes sacrifice their own desires - are sometimes seen as the weaker people.
But do not make that very very narrow assumption. Kindness is not weakness. It is the pillar of strength and confidence. It is what we all need to be striving for.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Motherhood Smotherhood
I remember years ago seeing the movie "Stepmom" in theatres (with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon) 15 years ago.
I loved the movie then. I actually love any movie that makes me cry - and this one was no exception.
Little did I know that 15 years later, I would still love the movie, but I would also be living the life.
I was surprised to see that they showed the movie on TV on Mother's Day. Weird, because Mother's Day is an extremely tricky day for many Stepmoms.
Mother's Day is a day that many of us celebrate motherhood. However, for many, being a Stepmom does not qualify as "real motherhood".
Of course, having my own biological children means that Mother's Day is not one of those awkward, sad days for me. And having amazing step kids also means that Mother's Day is a celebration for me for being a Stepmom too. I am extremely grateful to have the family that I have. But I do feel for those Stepmom's who are not in the same situation - those who don't get to have their motherhood celebrated.
At church they usually hand out some little gifts to celebrate Mother's Day. I love that they give every woman, over the age of 18, a gift. Why? Because motherhood stretches far past the definition of bearing children. Any woman, involved in touching the life of a child, is mothering. And that should be celebrated.
Back to the Stepmom movie.
Man, this movie has it right in so many ways.
I am a Stepmom, so can relate to Julia Roberts (the Stepmom) and how she feels.
But, I actually can look at Susan Sarandon (the Bio-mom) and relate to how she feels too. I can relate to her on the level of my boys having a Stepmom (although on and off) in their lives. And, I can also look at her and see how her reactions mimic very closely some of the actions/behaviours my skids' Mom has.
The fear of being replaced. The insecurity that the Stepmom will do things better, or that the kids will like her better. The need to compete. The need to try to make the Stepmom look bad. It is such a challenging relationship.
Although, in all fairness, the Mom in this movie is dying, so I think that introduces a whole different dynamic, where I think some of the insecurities are generally more "warranted".
But I think it comes down to confidence. Confidence of being a mother. Confidence of being a Stepmother. Confidence to pretend to have confidence even when you are feeling pretty unsure of yourself.
And the truth is? There is no replacement for a mother - so moms have no need to fear.
And I'm happy to say, there is a no replacement for a stepmother either.
In the movie, Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts have the most beautiful conversation, where Julia Roberts is talking about her insecurities as a Stepmom: "You know every story, every wound, every memory. Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you...every single second. Don't you get it? Look down the road to her wedding. I'm in a room alone with her, fixing her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman ever looked so beautiful. And my fear is she'll be thinking, "I wish my mom was here"
Then, Susan Sarandon responds, "And mine is...she won't....The thing is, they don't have to choose. They can have us both and be better for it. I have their past, you can have their future."
I cried at the end of the movie the first time round because you know that the Mom is going to die shortly. It is just so unfair, so sad.
But this time round, I cried for a different reason. Yes, I cried because the Mom was going to die shortly. But I also cried because the Mom had given her children the greatest gift ever - the knowledge that their Mom loved them, and the permission for them to also love another woman - and be loved by another woman - in a motherly way.
Movies aside, the reality is the mom does have her children's past, but both the mom and the stepmom have their futures. The kids really will be better for it.
And you know what, so will both women.
I loved the movie then. I actually love any movie that makes me cry - and this one was no exception.
Little did I know that 15 years later, I would still love the movie, but I would also be living the life.
I was surprised to see that they showed the movie on TV on Mother's Day. Weird, because Mother's Day is an extremely tricky day for many Stepmoms.
Mother's Day is a day that many of us celebrate motherhood. However, for many, being a Stepmom does not qualify as "real motherhood".
Of course, having my own biological children means that Mother's Day is not one of those awkward, sad days for me. And having amazing step kids also means that Mother's Day is a celebration for me for being a Stepmom too. I am extremely grateful to have the family that I have. But I do feel for those Stepmom's who are not in the same situation - those who don't get to have their motherhood celebrated.
At church they usually hand out some little gifts to celebrate Mother's Day. I love that they give every woman, over the age of 18, a gift. Why? Because motherhood stretches far past the definition of bearing children. Any woman, involved in touching the life of a child, is mothering. And that should be celebrated.
Back to the Stepmom movie.
Man, this movie has it right in so many ways.
I am a Stepmom, so can relate to Julia Roberts (the Stepmom) and how she feels.
But, I actually can look at Susan Sarandon (the Bio-mom) and relate to how she feels too. I can relate to her on the level of my boys having a Stepmom (although on and off) in their lives. And, I can also look at her and see how her reactions mimic very closely some of the actions/behaviours my skids' Mom has.
The fear of being replaced. The insecurity that the Stepmom will do things better, or that the kids will like her better. The need to compete. The need to try to make the Stepmom look bad. It is such a challenging relationship.
Although, in all fairness, the Mom in this movie is dying, so I think that introduces a whole different dynamic, where I think some of the insecurities are generally more "warranted".
But I think it comes down to confidence. Confidence of being a mother. Confidence of being a Stepmother. Confidence to pretend to have confidence even when you are feeling pretty unsure of yourself.
And the truth is? There is no replacement for a mother - so moms have no need to fear.
And I'm happy to say, there is a no replacement for a stepmother either.
In the movie, Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts have the most beautiful conversation, where Julia Roberts is talking about her insecurities as a Stepmom: "You know every story, every wound, every memory. Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you...every single second. Don't you get it? Look down the road to her wedding. I'm in a room alone with her, fixing her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman ever looked so beautiful. And my fear is she'll be thinking, "I wish my mom was here"
Then, Susan Sarandon responds, "And mine is...she won't....The thing is, they don't have to choose. They can have us both and be better for it. I have their past, you can have their future."
I cried at the end of the movie the first time round because you know that the Mom is going to die shortly. It is just so unfair, so sad.
But this time round, I cried for a different reason. Yes, I cried because the Mom was going to die shortly. But I also cried because the Mom had given her children the greatest gift ever - the knowledge that their Mom loved them, and the permission for them to also love another woman - and be loved by another woman - in a motherly way.
Movies aside, the reality is the mom does have her children's past, but both the mom and the stepmom have their futures. The kids really will be better for it.
And you know what, so will both women.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Quote of the week
"Do not line the higher road with chickens."
Great quote - right?
I made it up, in case you have never heard of it.
I am running a communication group with 12 of my clients. Obviously, given my job and education, communication is my thing. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't run into the occasional (cough, cough) communication challenge. I'm human. But generally speaking, I'm a good communicator (or so I've been told.)
For this group, I had to create the course content, so that meant doing even more research about communication. Of course, the best part about teaching is you always end up learning so much.
But you also often get to have some things confirmed - something that is also nice. Encourages you to keep doing what you are doing.
One of the things we discussed in the group was SILENCE.
Silence is a very powerful communication tool.
Very powerful.
Silence can mean a bunch of different things. It can be very positive or very negative. It can be a useful tool, if it is eventually explained. In fact, I encourage my clients to use silence as a way to process and a way to plan an answer. However, one cannot assume that silence means something specific.
One thing that silence is not, is a form of taking the higher road.
You know the old "I'm not going to dignify that with a response." To me, that usually means you know you don't have anything really to say that can hold water. (It's sort of like when people say "with all due respect" and then say the meanest things... Saying "with all due respect" doesn't give you the license to be rude!!!)
Back to silence. You have to be really careful with silence because what you don't say, other people can make up about you. It's better to get your truth out there rather than someone else's lies or stories.
Silence often is also taken to mean agreement - not disagreement - and that is what I am trying to teach my kids to really be careful about. Have the courage to speak your mind, share your opinions and emotions, disagree if you must, but don't play the card of "I'm taking the higher road by NOT responding to you." In other words, don't be chicken. Stand by what you really think.
The higher road is about dealing with a situation with love and compassion. It's about doing something for the better of someone else, and maybe sacrificing a bit of yourself to do it. It is filled with an attempt to find a "win-win" solution. It's about trying to assume the best.
The higher road is not lined with chickens; it is not lined with disrespect, fear and ignorance. It is not the road you take when you can't be bothered, are too intimidated, or angry. It is not the road to take to avoid dealing with situations, or consequences. In fact - it is the exact road you take to take responsibility and accountability. Silence can have a spot on the higher road for sure - but you have to be careful that everyone knows what message silence is supposed to send. Don't use silence as an avoidance technique or a way to avoid accountability. Take the higher road by expressing and asserting yourself and your needs and be respectful and compassionate to the needs of others.
Great quote - right?
I made it up, in case you have never heard of it.
I am running a communication group with 12 of my clients. Obviously, given my job and education, communication is my thing. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't run into the occasional (cough, cough) communication challenge. I'm human. But generally speaking, I'm a good communicator (or so I've been told.)
For this group, I had to create the course content, so that meant doing even more research about communication. Of course, the best part about teaching is you always end up learning so much.
But you also often get to have some things confirmed - something that is also nice. Encourages you to keep doing what you are doing.
One of the things we discussed in the group was SILENCE.
Silence is a very powerful communication tool.
Very powerful.
Silence can mean a bunch of different things. It can be very positive or very negative. It can be a useful tool, if it is eventually explained. In fact, I encourage my clients to use silence as a way to process and a way to plan an answer. However, one cannot assume that silence means something specific.
One thing that silence is not, is a form of taking the higher road.
You know the old "I'm not going to dignify that with a response." To me, that usually means you know you don't have anything really to say that can hold water. (It's sort of like when people say "with all due respect" and then say the meanest things... Saying "with all due respect" doesn't give you the license to be rude!!!)
Back to silence. You have to be really careful with silence because what you don't say, other people can make up about you. It's better to get your truth out there rather than someone else's lies or stories.
Silence often is also taken to mean agreement - not disagreement - and that is what I am trying to teach my kids to really be careful about. Have the courage to speak your mind, share your opinions and emotions, disagree if you must, but don't play the card of "I'm taking the higher road by NOT responding to you." In other words, don't be chicken. Stand by what you really think.
The higher road is about dealing with a situation with love and compassion. It's about doing something for the better of someone else, and maybe sacrificing a bit of yourself to do it. It is filled with an attempt to find a "win-win" solution. It's about trying to assume the best.
The higher road is not lined with chickens; it is not lined with disrespect, fear and ignorance. It is not the road you take when you can't be bothered, are too intimidated, or angry. It is not the road to take to avoid dealing with situations, or consequences. In fact - it is the exact road you take to take responsibility and accountability. Silence can have a spot on the higher road for sure - but you have to be careful that everyone knows what message silence is supposed to send. Don't use silence as an avoidance technique or a way to avoid accountability. Take the higher road by expressing and asserting yourself and your needs and be respectful and compassionate to the needs of others.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Happy Birthday Zandra B!!
Today Zandra turns 12.
Happy Birthday Sweet Pea!!
I have known her exactly half her life! It feels good saying that because everyday now I can say she has spent more of her life with our family than without!
12 is also a special year, because in our faith, it's the year you transition into being a "Young Woman"... which means you get to start attending all the youth activities and they are super fun!!! And, you are growing up....
We are only celebrating her birthday next weekend (her friend party too) since she is at her Mom's this weekend , but we did get to steal her away for an hour this morning to take her out to breakfast!
She is truly a special girl and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We were talking the other day about how when someone walks in the room you can feel their energy. Some are like dark clouds and storms, and some are sunnier. I told her she is like the biggest ray of sunshine when she walks into any room. People are drawn to her because of her warmth and radiance.
Here are 12 things I love about this girl:
1. Her HUGE heart. She is so thoughtful, loving and kind.
2. Her amazing hugs and kisses. Zandra's love language is physical affection. There is nothing better than getting and giving a hug from this girl. I love when she sneaks off to me in the school yard (when it's not our day she has to do this quickly and sneakily to not upset her Mom) and gives me a huge hug and says she misses me. I miss her so much too and I hope she knows she is always in my thoughts...
3. Her smile and laugh. It is never far! Even if she feels a little grumpy, you can get her to smile:) She loves to laugh and she really does light up a room.
4. Her creativity . You can always count on her to be coming up with a great idea, or making a new craft, or sewing or knitting, or making lipgloss. This girl has serious talent.
5. Her helpfulness. Always offering to help - even when it's not technically "her" day to help.
6. The tickles and hairstyling she gives. Pure heaven. I'd take her over a spa any day. And I do... I'm so lucky!
7. Her innocence. I love how she is still so pure in heart. She doesn't do things maliciously. She is surprised when her friends betray her. She tries to make everyone happy and treat everyone fairly. She wouldn't hurt a flea and trusts everyone around her.
8. Her girliness: She is all sparkles, glitter and nail polish. Loves to dress up, dance and spend girl time. Or loves a good date with her Dad. She is our princess that's for sure.
9. Her hard work: When she's stuck on something, she works at it! She puts so much time into projects whether for school or at home. She has learned to become a disciplined student and puts lots of effort in. These traits will carry her far in life.
10. She's an awesome sister: She really has a special bond with each of her brothers. Whether she is the younger sister who takes advice and is protected, the family twin that shares the secrets, or the adoring and protective older sister who keeps the little boys in line, she is loved.
11. She's an awesome daughter: Daddy's girl for sure, and she loves that role almost as much as her Daddy loves her. Their bedtime routine together is hilarious! They even have little bird calls to each other! It's so amazing to watch and I'm so happy for her to have an example of a true man; a role model of the kind of man we hope will be worthy enough to have her one day (far off:))
Words cannot express the joy I get from this girl! I was so blessed to be placed in the role of Stepmom to her. We are actually proof that nurture and environment play a strong role as we too share so many similarities:)) She is so loved and needed in our home.
12. Her sweet spirit : You know how some people are just "good?"She is one of those people (much like her Dad I might add; just solid "good") She has the sweetest spirit and it comes out wherever she is. She has a desire to do good, to be good. A desire to love, share, be kind. She loves family, friend, nature, animals and her Heavenly Father. I hope she also always remembers how much she is loved and valued, here and beyond.
Happy Birthday Amazing Sweet Pea!!
Happy Birthday Sweet Pea!!
I have known her exactly half her life! It feels good saying that because everyday now I can say she has spent more of her life with our family than without!
12 is also a special year, because in our faith, it's the year you transition into being a "Young Woman"... which means you get to start attending all the youth activities and they are super fun!!! And, you are growing up....
We are only celebrating her birthday next weekend (her friend party too) since she is at her Mom's this weekend , but we did get to steal her away for an hour this morning to take her out to breakfast!
She is truly a special girl and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We were talking the other day about how when someone walks in the room you can feel their energy. Some are like dark clouds and storms, and some are sunnier. I told her she is like the biggest ray of sunshine when she walks into any room. People are drawn to her because of her warmth and radiance.
Here are 12 things I love about this girl:
1. Her HUGE heart. She is so thoughtful, loving and kind.
2. Her amazing hugs and kisses. Zandra's love language is physical affection. There is nothing better than getting and giving a hug from this girl. I love when she sneaks off to me in the school yard (when it's not our day she has to do this quickly and sneakily to not upset her Mom) and gives me a huge hug and says she misses me. I miss her so much too and I hope she knows she is always in my thoughts...
3. Her smile and laugh. It is never far! Even if she feels a little grumpy, you can get her to smile:) She loves to laugh and she really does light up a room.
4. Her creativity . You can always count on her to be coming up with a great idea, or making a new craft, or sewing or knitting, or making lipgloss. This girl has serious talent.
5. Her helpfulness. Always offering to help - even when it's not technically "her" day to help.
6. The tickles and hairstyling she gives. Pure heaven. I'd take her over a spa any day. And I do... I'm so lucky!
7. Her innocence. I love how she is still so pure in heart. She doesn't do things maliciously. She is surprised when her friends betray her. She tries to make everyone happy and treat everyone fairly. She wouldn't hurt a flea and trusts everyone around her.
8. Her girliness: She is all sparkles, glitter and nail polish. Loves to dress up, dance and spend girl time. Or loves a good date with her Dad. She is our princess that's for sure.
9. Her hard work: When she's stuck on something, she works at it! She puts so much time into projects whether for school or at home. She has learned to become a disciplined student and puts lots of effort in. These traits will carry her far in life.
10. She's an awesome sister: She really has a special bond with each of her brothers. Whether she is the younger sister who takes advice and is protected, the family twin that shares the secrets, or the adoring and protective older sister who keeps the little boys in line, she is loved.
11. She's an awesome daughter: Daddy's girl for sure, and she loves that role almost as much as her Daddy loves her. Their bedtime routine together is hilarious! They even have little bird calls to each other! It's so amazing to watch and I'm so happy for her to have an example of a true man; a role model of the kind of man we hope will be worthy enough to have her one day (far off:))
Words cannot express the joy I get from this girl! I was so blessed to be placed in the role of Stepmom to her. We are actually proof that nurture and environment play a strong role as we too share so many similarities:)) She is so loved and needed in our home.
12. Her sweet spirit : You know how some people are just "good?"She is one of those people (much like her Dad I might add; just solid "good") She has the sweetest spirit and it comes out wherever she is. She has a desire to do good, to be good. A desire to love, share, be kind. She loves family, friend, nature, animals and her Heavenly Father. I hope she also always remembers how much she is loved and valued, here and beyond.
Happy Birthday Amazing Sweet Pea!!
Friday, May 3, 2013
How do you know?
Recently, some of my clients have been asking me questions like , "how do you know he/she's the right one."
I guess it's not unusual. I work with a lot of people (especially guys) between the ages of 16-30 (stats show a majority of head injury survivors are under the age of 30) and I work with them for a long time, so you develop a good relationship and I often find I'm doling out "motherly advice."
I've given this question a lot of thought. From my personal perspective, I think prayer is the most powerful way of knowing all things, but often people don't really understand that answer:) However, being still, meditating, or going with your gut all are ways of saying similar things that people seem to relate to.
But there are a few other ways I've come across that seem to be falling in my "staple answers" for this question. Answers that I've even heard myself reciting to my kids when they start to ask about love, marriage, relationships (and boy do they have questions given that their parents are divorced - so I have to think real hard about my answers.)
Here are my words of "love wisdom":
1. If you have to ask, she/he is not.
The movie is "One Week". The scene is outside a motel with Gord Downie (Tragically Hip) and Ben Tyler (played by Joshua Jackson). Gord is telling Ben he has been married for 25 years and still in love. Ben asks Gord, "How did you know it was the real thing?"
Gord's reply:
"If you gotta ask, you're not. And you already knew that."
I could really just stop here and be completely in agreement with this answer. But, in case you need more....
2. It's just not complicated.
It's really not. I talked about my feelings about complicated here.
Life can be complicated. Situations and circumstances can make things complicated.
Being in love. Not complicated. There could be a storm surrounding you (which is complicated), but there is calm within the eye of the storm where you are.
I had this discussion with one of my clients a few weeks ago - not about love per se, but about "complicated lives" and the need to simplify. He came back last week to our session and reported he had broken up with his girlfriend. He said our conversation about "complicated" had really affected him. He realized that his relationship was just too complicated, especially for them being so young. He broke it off and had a huge weight lifted from his 21 year old shoulders.
I think uncomplicated also means "transparent." I'm not into the whole argument about "privacy" in marriage. The whole "I lock my phone for "privacy." You don't know my password because of "privacy." You can't see my texts because it's an "invasion of my privacy.""
Privacy is code for "complicated."
Forget privacy. I don't need it when I have respect. Respect for you, and respect for me. If we built our relationship on respect and loyalty then nothing we do ever needs to be marked off as "private." I never want a reason to be suspicious, nor do I want to give reason for suspicion. Transparency overrides privacy. And then respect and loyalty take over.
Go for uncomplicated. Love can be pure and simple. Go for respect and loyalty.
3. Coma Guy
When I worked in a hospital, there were many people who were severely injured. This one woman had this husband who visited her daily, despite her catastrophic injuries. She had been in a coma for a long time, and had come out of it with tremendous difficulties - couldn't walk, speak, or pretty much move. But, her husband came in and sat with her, worked on her therapies with her, and even taught her how to paint with all her challenges. It was beautiful. He was so dedicated. He clearly had loved her and to him, she was still her, so he clearly loved her still.
I got divorced around the exact same time as one of my best friends. What timing. We were huge supports for each other. We talked a lot about the kind of man we wanted to marry second time around. This couple both stood out for us both (she worked at the same hospital). We called the guy "coma guy" and decided that we wanted a guy who would stick by us even if we were in a coma. That became our bench mark. "Forever guy" (another term we used), had to be "Coma guy." Someone who would stick by you no matter what. Someone who really took their marriage vows seriously: "richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." Coma guy.
(We laughed because when she met her husband, he was super super quiet...we joked that we didn't seriously mean "coma guy"!!)
4. Swiss Chalet Couple.
Ok - another weird benchmark for me. I actually don't usually share this one with my clients. But I will with my kids.
Another divorce story (getting divorced tends to make you think a lot about relationships, marriage, true love, forever stuff...weird, eh?)
I was spending the weekend with another one of my best friends. We had spa'd it up and she was heading back to Montreal on the train. Before dropping her off at the train station, we went to grab lunch at "Swiss Chalet". Not the most glamorous place - and that is an understatement (but those fries with the gravy - yum!)
While we were talking, I was distracted by this older couple sitting nearby. They were really old. But they were all dressed up, looking lovingly at each other and even reached across the table to hold hands. Now in my imagination, they were there celebrating their 48th or 51st anniversary (they better go somewhere better for their 50th!!) and I turned to my friend and said, "I want a guy who will get all dressed up with me and take me to Swiss Chalet on our anniversary." I don't need the fancy restaurant, I just want the extraordinary guy in an ordinary life (It's easy to find the ordinary guy in the ordinary life, or even in an extraordinary life.) Something about that couple. Perhaps the simplicity? The pure, simple love?
Shortly after I met Rob, I shared this story. You guessed it. Our first anniversary was spent at Swiss Chalet. We go back every so often and I'm always reminded of the Swiss Chalet couple.
I lucked out too. I did get the extraordinary guy - but I got the extraordinary life too. I didn't realize how much you both create that life - and if you want it to be extraordinary, then together, you can create it.
5. A different kind of love.
Diane Lane. Love her. "Under a Tuscan Sun" and "Nights of Rodanthe" changed my life.
If you've ever been divorced, you'll know what I mean about "Under a Tuscan Sun". I talked a bit about how it impacted me here.
"Nights of Rodanthe" introduced me to the Outerbanks, which is a place that has captured my heart and soul and one of my favourite places to be.
But it also had this amazing scene in it where Diane Lane is talking to her daughter about love (and how she has fallen in love with a new man after her husband had left her):
I talked about it here in much more detail, but the quote was so good, I'll share it again:
"I know you've only ever known your father and me. And I love Jack, because he is your father. But there's another kind of love, Amanda. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, not less than you are. One that makes you feel that anything is possible. I want you to know that you could have that. I want you to hold out for it."
6. The Third Force/ Center of their world
A week before I met Robbie I was out with some gals and we decided to go to a fortune teller. I can't really say it was a good experience. It actually creeped me out a bit. But, she did foretell that I would meet a great guy, who led a similar life to me, and he would make me the center of his world.
THAT, I didn't believe. In fact, I'm not even sure it was something that I wanted. It sounded too much like a "put me on a pedestal" kind of thing. Too unequal. Dysfunctional even.
But, it was simply because I didn't really understand what she meant.
I get what she means now.
It's sort of the Third Force thing. Your relationship becomes central. I take care of you, you take care of me. We are central. Nothing is more important than our marriage.
7. Vision and Values
This ties into the Third Force thing again. Nothing is more important than your marriage - but what is your marriage built on? You must have the same vision and values. If you are far apart on these key things, it is so much harder to make it all work. So you don't *know* that this person is not for you simply because you have a different vision and values, but I think you do *know* it's going to be a heck of a lot harder.
8. Eyes light up when they walk in a room
Ok - I know this one sounds a bit much. Maya Angelou said this about being a parent, "Do your children see your eyes light up when they walk in the room?" I always loved this, because it is something I want my kids to see. I know they don't see it all the time (sometimes my eyes are lighting up when they walk in the room for other reasons, and it usually starts with me saying their FULL name), but I want them to see it sometimes at least. So they know how important they are to me. I'm excited to see them. I love seeing them. I miss them when they are not there.
I think the same goes for "the one". I always think, if I am at a party and I look across the room at "my guy", is my heart filled with pride that he is "mine"? You bet it is. Do I love hearing him talk, want everyone to know that I am with him, that I think he is the smartest, handsomest, funniest guy ever? Yup.
I think you honestly need to think the world of your "one". There will most certainly be things that tick you off, get on your nerves, or build up your levels of frustration. But, overall, if there is a spare moment in the day, my thoughts will turn to him. If there is some free time, no better person to spend it with than him.
9. Passion and friendship
I used to sit in romantic, fairy tale movies and think they were so unrealistic. And, true, their lives are pretty unrealistic - it ain't all sunshine and lollipops. But the love, it's out there. The deep love, combined with respect and passion. You can have it all - with the right one. You don't have to sacrifice - marry your best friend and your most passionate lover. The two combined together - magic.
10.Chocolate Milk
Zandra and I had a long talk many months ago. As I said back here, it is hard for kids from divorced families to understand love and marriage. Kids do want to feel that they were brought into the world surrounded by love, even though it ended in divorce. It gets really hard to understand I think when they then see one of their parents (and hopefully both) go on to remarry and be super happy. Rob and I truly feel that we are the love of each other's lives. Great for us, but hard for them to get. So I explained it using two of my favorite drinks:
Milk and Chocolate Milk.
Way back in the beginning, I loved milk. Icy cold milk. In a tall glass. It went down so well, especially with a great big cookie or piece of chocolate. It was the most delicious drink. I loved my milk and I could drink it all the time.
BUT.
One day I tried chocolate milk (this is where is gets tricky - because it's not like I was running around trying to find a better drink. For me, milk was made unavailable and I just so happened to find chocolate milk later on.) Anyhow... I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was SO good. I loved it and couldn't get enough of it. It was so addictive. I could have it all the time.
Now, before I knew chocolate milk existed, I had loved my plain old milk. And my plain old milk was good - especially when that was all I knew. I didn't know chocolate milk existed! But when I got the taste of it, there was no going back.
A bit of a goofy analogy I know, but Zandra seemed to get it and since then I have used it with a couple more of my kids and they seem to have gotten it too.
My point is not to keep drinking from every cup until you find the best drink:) My point is sometimes you need to experience a few different drinks in life to know the differences in taste. Hold out for chocolate milk. It is there. It is good. Don't let "good enough" be the enemy of "best." The best is there and possible to reach.
*********************************************************************************
So, how do you know? Maybe there is no exact answer. Maybe the answer is different for everyone. These are just some of the key things that I think will help you know...
Do you have any to share? How did YOU know?
I guess it's not unusual. I work with a lot of people (especially guys) between the ages of 16-30 (stats show a majority of head injury survivors are under the age of 30) and I work with them for a long time, so you develop a good relationship and I often find I'm doling out "motherly advice."
I've given this question a lot of thought. From my personal perspective, I think prayer is the most powerful way of knowing all things, but often people don't really understand that answer:) However, being still, meditating, or going with your gut all are ways of saying similar things that people seem to relate to.
But there are a few other ways I've come across that seem to be falling in my "staple answers" for this question. Answers that I've even heard myself reciting to my kids when they start to ask about love, marriage, relationships (and boy do they have questions given that their parents are divorced - so I have to think real hard about my answers.)
Here are my words of "love wisdom":
1. If you have to ask, she/he is not.
The movie is "One Week". The scene is outside a motel with Gord Downie (Tragically Hip) and Ben Tyler (played by Joshua Jackson). Gord is telling Ben he has been married for 25 years and still in love. Ben asks Gord, "How did you know it was the real thing?"
Gord's reply:
"If you gotta ask, you're not. And you already knew that."
I could really just stop here and be completely in agreement with this answer. But, in case you need more....
2. It's just not complicated.
It's really not. I talked about my feelings about complicated here.
Life can be complicated. Situations and circumstances can make things complicated.
Being in love. Not complicated. There could be a storm surrounding you (which is complicated), but there is calm within the eye of the storm where you are.
I had this discussion with one of my clients a few weeks ago - not about love per se, but about "complicated lives" and the need to simplify. He came back last week to our session and reported he had broken up with his girlfriend. He said our conversation about "complicated" had really affected him. He realized that his relationship was just too complicated, especially for them being so young. He broke it off and had a huge weight lifted from his 21 year old shoulders.
I think uncomplicated also means "transparent." I'm not into the whole argument about "privacy" in marriage. The whole "I lock my phone for "privacy." You don't know my password because of "privacy." You can't see my texts because it's an "invasion of my privacy.""
Privacy is code for "complicated."
Forget privacy. I don't need it when I have respect. Respect for you, and respect for me. If we built our relationship on respect and loyalty then nothing we do ever needs to be marked off as "private." I never want a reason to be suspicious, nor do I want to give reason for suspicion. Transparency overrides privacy. And then respect and loyalty take over.
Go for uncomplicated. Love can be pure and simple. Go for respect and loyalty.
3. Coma Guy
When I worked in a hospital, there were many people who were severely injured. This one woman had this husband who visited her daily, despite her catastrophic injuries. She had been in a coma for a long time, and had come out of it with tremendous difficulties - couldn't walk, speak, or pretty much move. But, her husband came in and sat with her, worked on her therapies with her, and even taught her how to paint with all her challenges. It was beautiful. He was so dedicated. He clearly had loved her and to him, she was still her, so he clearly loved her still.
I got divorced around the exact same time as one of my best friends. What timing. We were huge supports for each other. We talked a lot about the kind of man we wanted to marry second time around. This couple both stood out for us both (she worked at the same hospital). We called the guy "coma guy" and decided that we wanted a guy who would stick by us even if we were in a coma. That became our bench mark. "Forever guy" (another term we used), had to be "Coma guy." Someone who would stick by you no matter what. Someone who really took their marriage vows seriously: "richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." Coma guy.
(We laughed because when she met her husband, he was super super quiet...we joked that we didn't seriously mean "coma guy"!!)
4. Swiss Chalet Couple.
Ok - another weird benchmark for me. I actually don't usually share this one with my clients. But I will with my kids.
Another divorce story (getting divorced tends to make you think a lot about relationships, marriage, true love, forever stuff...weird, eh?)
I was spending the weekend with another one of my best friends. We had spa'd it up and she was heading back to Montreal on the train. Before dropping her off at the train station, we went to grab lunch at "Swiss Chalet". Not the most glamorous place - and that is an understatement (but those fries with the gravy - yum!)
While we were talking, I was distracted by this older couple sitting nearby. They were really old. But they were all dressed up, looking lovingly at each other and even reached across the table to hold hands. Now in my imagination, they were there celebrating their 48th or 51st anniversary (they better go somewhere better for their 50th!!) and I turned to my friend and said, "I want a guy who will get all dressed up with me and take me to Swiss Chalet on our anniversary." I don't need the fancy restaurant, I just want the extraordinary guy in an ordinary life (It's easy to find the ordinary guy in the ordinary life, or even in an extraordinary life.) Something about that couple. Perhaps the simplicity? The pure, simple love?
Shortly after I met Rob, I shared this story. You guessed it. Our first anniversary was spent at Swiss Chalet. We go back every so often and I'm always reminded of the Swiss Chalet couple.
I lucked out too. I did get the extraordinary guy - but I got the extraordinary life too. I didn't realize how much you both create that life - and if you want it to be extraordinary, then together, you can create it.
5. A different kind of love.
Diane Lane. Love her. "Under a Tuscan Sun" and "Nights of Rodanthe" changed my life.
If you've ever been divorced, you'll know what I mean about "Under a Tuscan Sun". I talked a bit about how it impacted me here.
"Nights of Rodanthe" introduced me to the Outerbanks, which is a place that has captured my heart and soul and one of my favourite places to be.
But it also had this amazing scene in it where Diane Lane is talking to her daughter about love (and how she has fallen in love with a new man after her husband had left her):
I talked about it here in much more detail, but the quote was so good, I'll share it again:
"I know you've only ever known your father and me. And I love Jack, because he is your father. But there's another kind of love, Amanda. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, not less than you are. One that makes you feel that anything is possible. I want you to know that you could have that. I want you to hold out for it."
6. The Third Force/ Center of their world
A week before I met Robbie I was out with some gals and we decided to go to a fortune teller. I can't really say it was a good experience. It actually creeped me out a bit. But, she did foretell that I would meet a great guy, who led a similar life to me, and he would make me the center of his world.
THAT, I didn't believe. In fact, I'm not even sure it was something that I wanted. It sounded too much like a "put me on a pedestal" kind of thing. Too unequal. Dysfunctional even.
But, it was simply because I didn't really understand what she meant.
I get what she means now.
It's sort of the Third Force thing. Your relationship becomes central. I take care of you, you take care of me. We are central. Nothing is more important than our marriage.
7. Vision and Values
This ties into the Third Force thing again. Nothing is more important than your marriage - but what is your marriage built on? You must have the same vision and values. If you are far apart on these key things, it is so much harder to make it all work. So you don't *know* that this person is not for you simply because you have a different vision and values, but I think you do *know* it's going to be a heck of a lot harder.
8. Eyes light up when they walk in a room
Ok - I know this one sounds a bit much. Maya Angelou said this about being a parent, "Do your children see your eyes light up when they walk in the room?" I always loved this, because it is something I want my kids to see. I know they don't see it all the time (sometimes my eyes are lighting up when they walk in the room for other reasons, and it usually starts with me saying their FULL name), but I want them to see it sometimes at least. So they know how important they are to me. I'm excited to see them. I love seeing them. I miss them when they are not there.
I think the same goes for "the one". I always think, if I am at a party and I look across the room at "my guy", is my heart filled with pride that he is "mine"? You bet it is. Do I love hearing him talk, want everyone to know that I am with him, that I think he is the smartest, handsomest, funniest guy ever? Yup.
I think you honestly need to think the world of your "one". There will most certainly be things that tick you off, get on your nerves, or build up your levels of frustration. But, overall, if there is a spare moment in the day, my thoughts will turn to him. If there is some free time, no better person to spend it with than him.
9. Passion and friendship
I used to sit in romantic, fairy tale movies and think they were so unrealistic. And, true, their lives are pretty unrealistic - it ain't all sunshine and lollipops. But the love, it's out there. The deep love, combined with respect and passion. You can have it all - with the right one. You don't have to sacrifice - marry your best friend and your most passionate lover. The two combined together - magic.
10.Chocolate Milk
Zandra and I had a long talk many months ago. As I said back here, it is hard for kids from divorced families to understand love and marriage. Kids do want to feel that they were brought into the world surrounded by love, even though it ended in divorce. It gets really hard to understand I think when they then see one of their parents (and hopefully both) go on to remarry and be super happy. Rob and I truly feel that we are the love of each other's lives. Great for us, but hard for them to get. So I explained it using two of my favorite drinks:
Milk and Chocolate Milk.
Way back in the beginning, I loved milk. Icy cold milk. In a tall glass. It went down so well, especially with a great big cookie or piece of chocolate. It was the most delicious drink. I loved my milk and I could drink it all the time.
BUT.
One day I tried chocolate milk (this is where is gets tricky - because it's not like I was running around trying to find a better drink. For me, milk was made unavailable and I just so happened to find chocolate milk later on.) Anyhow... I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was SO good. I loved it and couldn't get enough of it. It was so addictive. I could have it all the time.
Now, before I knew chocolate milk existed, I had loved my plain old milk. And my plain old milk was good - especially when that was all I knew. I didn't know chocolate milk existed! But when I got the taste of it, there was no going back.
A bit of a goofy analogy I know, but Zandra seemed to get it and since then I have used it with a couple more of my kids and they seem to have gotten it too.
My point is not to keep drinking from every cup until you find the best drink:) My point is sometimes you need to experience a few different drinks in life to know the differences in taste. Hold out for chocolate milk. It is there. It is good. Don't let "good enough" be the enemy of "best." The best is there and possible to reach.
*********************************************************************************
So, how do you know? Maybe there is no exact answer. Maybe the answer is different for everyone. These are just some of the key things that I think will help you know...
Do you have any to share? How did YOU know?
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
It's my SITS day!!
Today is my SITS day!
For those of you who don't know, thesitsgirls.com is an amazing community of over 40,000 women bloggers. Every day they feature a blogger and today is my day! So a warm welcome to anyone new visiting today. I hope you will stop by often! And a warm welcome too for all those regulars that support me with their comments and THEIR amazing blogs!
I have been so blessed since I started blogging and have found such incredible support and deepened so many relationships! There are so many reasons why I blog, and you can read about them here.
I blog mainly about the ins and outs of our journey as a blended family. I love to talk about motherhood and stepmotherhood, both roles that I love and am honoured to fill. But both roles are challenging, maddening, and a load of fun. I have two boys biologically (10 and 11), and three skids (stepkids) - two stepsons (7 and 14) and one stepdaughter (11), so we are never short on drama and adventure around here. My kids are sassy, funny, creative and smart and they make me laugh all the time. They make me cry too - I'm not ashamed to say I've cried many tears of exasperation and frustration. However, I do tend to share the rosier side of things - only because it helps me to SEE the rosier side of things.
I have been married for 5 years to an incredible man, who truly is the love of my life. It just took us the long, windy, back road way of finding each other. But we found each other, and this third force of ours is pretty darn precious.
I am also a career gal (work as a Speech Language Pathologist in private practice) and a travel nut. I love to travel and am either planning the next trip or on it! I also love a good book, a great beach (oops, that's travel again, no?), some trash TV, financial stuff, sushi dates, traditions, a great quote, and an organized home (ok - that's my ideal.) We are a family of faith and I love anything that feeds my spiritual soul.
So take a look around and I hope that we can become blogger pals!
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